I went to church on Sunday for the first time in months.
The last few months of my life have been filled with so much darkness. My pastor preached about bad things coming in threes, but it feels like bad things happen to us in twenties.
My mom had to stop working. Bills started piling up. I became jobless. Our shower broke. Our AC started leaking. I got a job. The ceiling of my bedroom caved in. Our AC went out. Our utility bills went up. I finally was able to pay for our AC to be repaired. We discovered an underground leak in our front yard. Our AC started leaking, again. My mom’s car battery died. Our water bill skyrocketed. It’s time to buy things to get the kids back to school.
It feels endless. It feels dark. I feel like we’re living under a dark cloud.
Sitting in the pew on Sunday, I realized something. I was so angry at God for everything we were going through, that I pushed Him far away. I’m pushed Him so far that I lost sight of the Light. But darkness does not extinguish His light.
I had to let go and let myself walk back to Him. I had to open my heart back up to Him and say use me Lord, show me the way. I had to.
It has only been a couple of days, but I can feel the dark clouds slowing drifting away. I can finally see the Light again. I can feel my smile returning and I can feel my heart stop aching. I can see a ray of light at the end of the dark road and hope I can soon reach it. I have to have hope. I have to be strong.
And I have to keep allowing myself to be around others who will listen and be there for me. I have to stop pushing everyone and the Lord away.