Lately a lot of things have been popping up about your 20s being the best years of your life… the years you travel, take risks, go on adventures.
I sit here and ask myself if I’ll ever have the chance.
I always blamed my family and others for never being the average tween and teenager. But when I think back, I wonder if it was me who was at fault. No one shapes your destiny but yourself, right?
But when my dad left my family while I was in middle school, I felt it was up to me to take on the role.
When I was offered the opportunity to work during high school, I felt it was the right thing to do so I could help provide for my family.
When I graduated from high school, I challenged myself to graduate at the top to set the example for my siblings… and I did. I was extremely proud of myself because I was able to graduate in white instead of maroon.
But was it worth it? Was it worth me giving up all the normal things teenagers did like going to the mall, hanging out at the park, going to concerts and events with my friends?
Was it worth missing prom, spirit week, and homecoming both my junior and senior year?
I try to go back and remember if it was for me or if it was for my family… and I can’t. I just can’t. And I mean, either way it was my choice. I chose which path I took, but sometimes I do look back and wish I hadn’t. Because I missed out on a lot and those are things I’ll never, ever get back.
And now, my family is in turmoil once again after my grandfather (whom we depended on a lot financially) has decided he no longer wants to help us. And you know what, I get it. He’s a retired veteran who deserves to live a life of luxury with his money… but it still hurts us.
And to make matters worse, my mom is going through a pay cut. Our home needs a lot of repairs. And now, it seems that we have an underground leak that could cost us almost an entire paycheck.
So again, I made the choice to provide for my family who needs help. I know it’s the right thing to do, but that doesn’t mean there’s not moments when I sit here and wish I could keep all the money I work hard for.
And then when I have those thoughts, I feel like such a horrible person.
But I want to travel. I want to take risks and go on adventures. I want to go on random, unplanned trips to Vegas or London like my peers from high school are. I want to travel to visit my best friend in Houston. I want to go to Bloggy Boot Camp and surround myself with like-minded woman who have some of the same passions as myself. I want to drive cross country and visit places I’ve never had the chance to before.
And nothing seems right or fair anymore. Nothing feels okay.
I just feel numb and angry. At myself.
But I’m trying hard not to dwell on it. No matter how difficult it is.
And I guess it’s because deep down there’s a girl inside who’s telling me:
Brittany, you’re only 21. You have 9 and a half years left of your twenties and YOU WILL have your chance. And you know what, your family will be okay, too. They will be able to thank you for everything that you’ve done and provided.
Your siblings are young still, they don’t fully know or understand the things you have sacrificed for them. The time will come when they do and they’ll love you and show the appreciation that has always been inside of them. Don’t throw in the towel just yet. One day, you’ll learn how to fly and you will appreciate it even more because you were patient and let it happen at the right time.
The song that inspired this post:
Linking up with: Shell for Pour Your Heart Out