Every year when Valentine’s Day rolls around, I get into this crazy phase where I re-evaluate myself and try to figure out why I’ve never been kissed or have never gone on a date. I’ve gone through a relationship, but I don’t really think it counts… that’s a whole different story.
It’s honestly a strong hit to my self-esteem because these are some of the reasons I think of:
- I’m not attractive.
- I’m not an approachable person.
- I get extremely shy around people I don’t regularly communicate with.
- I come off as “a very angry person” (have been told this).
- I don’t know what I want.
- I’m afraid of opening up to others.
- I don’t act my age.
The first one is something I have struggled with my entire life mainly because of my weight. I grew up as the “fat cheerleader,” and the teasing eventually led to me purposely messing up at tryouts my sophomore year after 11 years of cheering.
The following three go hand-in-hand. I had this guy who I talked to after I graduated tell me that no one in class wanted to talk to me because it always seemed like I wanted to just be left alone. It was economics during my senior year, a required class to graduate and one of my only classes that wasn’t advanced… I really didn’t want anything to do with the class or my classmates, but I didn’t realize I made it that obvious. No one ever talked to me in that class, I never talked, and I hardly participated. I just wanted the grade to pass. I’m still the same way, apparently. *sigh* It’s hard for me to change these habits.
The next one is crazy true. I don’t! I just know that one day I want a family.
I’m afraid of opening up to others because of all the hurt I’ve dealt with in the past. I once let a boy in when I knew I shouldn’t have… it ruined our friendship and left some mental scars I haven’t been able to shake. My family loves him, though and he’s still around so it only makes matters worse. I also kind of feel like relationships in my family are doomed. My parents are separated and other family members have gone through separations with kids in the middle. I feel like my relationship would be next so I don’t try… it’s stupid, I know.
The age thing is big. I’ve been told I have an old soul but I just think I grew up too fast. Either way, I’m not like most 21 year olds. The thought of going to a club or going to some crazy party makes my head spin. I’d rather read a book than go shopping or to the movies. I don’t drink unless it’s a glass of wine with my mom. I don’t have many friends that are my age and the friends that are live far away. For fun, I go with my mom to dinner with her co-workers or to the local pizza place with my family. I’m a boring person…
On Valentine’s Day, I would rather put together an event for children and their parents to spend some time together as a family… it gives me something to do so I don’t sulk.
But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to see all the balloons, roses and stuffed animals that line shelves at stores knowing that I won’t be getting any of them anytime soon. Because it does. It hurts to see my sister in her relationship because I feel like I missed that in high school because I was too busy growing up. It hurts to think that there’s a possibility that I’ll never find someone. And that’s why Valentine’s Day is sometimes hard for me.