It’s been a while since I participated in Mama Kat‘s Writer’s Workshop. It’s also been a while (a really long while) since I felt like I had an identity and knew who I was.
When you allow yourself to grow up too fast, to provide for children that aren’t yours, to financially support your single mother, you lose your sense of self. You forget who you are because you’re so busy being there for everyone else.
That’s where I was.
Lost and craving some kind of connection to the girl I was before I gave everything up.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Helping provide for my family has and still is one of the biggest blessings of my life. But it all started when I was 16 and here I am 16 days away from my 25th birthday… that’s a lot of years to spend feeling like there’s no room for you.
I felt like I was at the bottom of a pit and the girl I once was stood at the top reaching and calling out, but I was too afraid of letting everyone else down, so I just let myself down instead.
It’s scary not knowing who you are anymore. You cling to things that you shouldn’t cling to. You attach yourself to these feelings of worthlessness and repeat them to yourself every. single. day.
You let yourself believe that you only exist for them. For everyone else.
But one day… one day, something will click.
And you’ll come alive.
And that girl. That girl you’ve been dying to be for so long finally finds a way to get you out of the pit.
The pit you spent so many sad, sad years in.
And that day, your life will change!
You’ll smile more. You’ll laugh more. You’ll talk more. You’ll sing more. You’ll dance more. You’ll look in the mirror and say “I’ve been waiting for you.”
There’s something extremely satisfying about finding yourself.
It brings you joy. So much joy!
You won’t recognize yourself and you’ll wonder, but you’ll let yourself embrace the positive changes.
You’ll let yourself finally love yourself.
And when that happens, there’s no going back. Because you’ll be so in touch with your core that there’s no way you can let yourself go again.